Go West

For Every Song, a Story:
Go West

Santa Barbara.

Communion & Liberation retreat.  “What moved Christ to compassion?”  Jesus was moved... by our need. Compassion, not contempt.  “How different than the way we look at ourselves.”

Sweet balm.  Man, did I need it.

I was mad as hell.  At my bishop, my father, my people.  Mad at myself and my heart, all cracked stone and bloody powder. I was sideways, needing something, and fast.

I ran West.  Like every man does.

Had to regain the center, the child, some softness.

Retreats to Big Sur, vast coastal spaces fighting a death match with my desire. Bloody affairs, but ah, sweet life they were.  Wrestle with that rocky, windy, salty, tall tree and wild water God, a tough terrain you just had to respect.

It hit me all at once, like a sweet violence.  Vastness without, vastness within.  The same, we were.  Kin.  Plates shift, magma boils over. 

Eruption.

First ash, lots of tired grey old ash.  Then, fissure breached.  Ah, sweet fire.  Out came the lava, out came the pen. I wrote and wrote and wrote, the words my tears, every word a fresh breath of hope.

Withered aspirations, beginning to revive.  California, she became sacrament, mouthpiece of the Almighty, tellin me it was good to be alive.

Something new began that day.  New era, new life.  Nothing easy, you won’t never hear me say that.  New.

A Dream is a Precious Thing

For Every Song, a Story:
A Dream is a Precious Thing

Every kid wears a cape.

That's from Bill Johnson, one of my favorite preachers. Standard issue. Wearing it's natural. Shedding it's what needs the learning. Lots of A's in that subject.

Where's yours?

Who's it helping, sitting all balled up on the closet floor?

What happened to that dream?

Conformity's too easy.  Good Lord, how many verses have I sung of that old siren song.

All well and good, some would say. Nice and humble, there there that's it. Nice Christian.  Punch that clock.  Never mind the jokers and thieves, let em be. World's theirs, heavens ours.

Screw that.

Some good old medicine called Johnny Cash finally kicked in. Been taking it a long time. Who knew about washing it down with some leadership books?  One day I woke up, all healthy and new. Fever broke, and out came this song.

And a wrinkled old cape.

Go find yourself a stage and sing.

Spell My Name

For Every Song, a Story:
Spell My Name
For Zachary

I was talking to my brother Mark about the trials of his autistic son Zachary. Autism literally means self-ism. All trapped up. Signals scrambled, a social-emotional cripple. Trinity's image, all that high stuff... and here he is, sentenced to solitary in the emotional gulag by some damn disease he never deserved.

'He needs an Annie Sullivan,' I said.

'Yeah,' he said.

Then, silence. Just a couple of brothers and the leaden tension of impossible desire in an f'd up world.

Some prayers, I swear, it feels callous and criminal just saying them. There's no justice that way. They gotta be sung. It takes time, forming cries like these, and this one was no different. Was it months? Years? Anyway, it doesn't matter.

We don't write em, they're just there, waiting for a voice to give em an honest to God hearing and telling. Gritty, not pretty... this is the blues, not Broadway. Needing a worthy voice, never mine, but become mine, because its time has come and the right singer hasn't showed.

I remember, as a child, this TV special on Helen Keller.  That scene at the well, Miss Sullivan taking that small hand, making her understand...W-A-T-E-R. Brilliant. Do yourself a favor, read that scene again. The autobiography is .99 on Kindle. Powerful, magical stuff.

To get a little into that terrifying silent darkness of that little girl. How? Why? Who knows...that"s the mystery, that's the muse.  Pecking out those prison shell walls, into the clear light of day and that tender touch of the other. You can't get that ecstasy without that agony. Cruel but true. It's Helen's story, not mine. Zachary"s story, not mine.

Or is it?

Oh for an Annie Sullivan.

If I Could Sing

For Every Song, a Story: 
If I Could Sing

Karin Bergquist and break dancers.

That's where it started. Late August, bike ride. I can tell you the exact spot. South Ridge Park in Urbana, making the loop. Some Over the Rhine song came on, and it was good jealousy, not bad. It wasn't, man can she sing, I hate her. It was, man can she sing, I love her. You know. Just wishing I could do like that. Limpid and crystal, soulful and elegant, happy and sad. 'If I could sing.' There it was.

My faulty router kicked back on and suddenly my WiFi had full bars. My soul hummed and sent the signal to the universe that I was open for business. The ironic title was too juicy to resist. I knew I was onto something.

A few days later. Quad Day. Passing by the Floor Lovers break dance club. These guys were tearing it up, man. On a plastic fold-out 10 x 10 floor. I just stood and stared, forever. You're talking to the guy who bought a how-to book on break dancing in 6th grade (pre YouTube). One nice dude insisted on taking my info. For twelve hours, fantasies of a blissful, free, less-white life crackled and electrified me.

Mitch sealed the deal when,  passing Joe's Brewery, he said he once saw Angeline 'clear the floor' there during a hip hop number back in the day.

From there, it wrote itself. A bucket-list extra: finding a licit way to include Huckleberry Finn. What self respecting American songwriter hasn't wanted to write him into a song.  I could only smile, satisfied that I got one right, at least.

Mercy: The Playlist

This Sunday's gospel reading (Matthew 5:38-48) is about love of enemies and forgiveness.  This is the love that faces evil, and wins.

In honor of mercy, I offer a five-song playlist of some of the best songs I know about mercy.  What are some of yours?  I would love to hear from you!

1) Forgive by Ida:
I love this indie folk group. A lilting, sweet, gentle meditation that is one of the most gorgeous and meaningful songs I've ever heard.  It draws me into a deep space of calm and gentle peace, and leaves me with a desire to change. "How can it be/ we forgot how to forgive?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSJZZYb7x9M

2) Forgiveness by Patty Griffin :
From her acoustic guitar-and-voice-only debut record, this one never fails to shatter me, then gently put me back together.  "It's hard to give, hard to get/ but everybody needs a little forgiveness."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvdV3W8Q1yU

3) Sorry I Am by Ani DiFranco:
She can growl one minute, and the next sing a lullaby that makes your heart float like a feather.  Sometimes she can get ideological and has no qualms pointing fingers at those she identifies as oppressors.  Yet here, she is at her best, taking responsibility for her share in a failed relationship.  The ambiguities and sheer humanity of love and heartbreak are perfectly captured in this song which is perhaps the best showcase of Ani's tender side. I guess I never loved you quite as well/ as the way you loved me/ I guess I'll never really be able to tell you/ how sorry I am.  Notice how she does not sing high until that cathartic moment at the very end.  Ahh it slays me every time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgMTH0t24Iw


Grace by U2:
A rather un-U2-ish song that relies on a simple bass line and some synth, plus Bono's prayer-hymn soul singing, this is one of my all-time favorite U2 songs.  It's like a miracle, if you ask me.  "Grace/ she takes the blame/ covers the shame/ removes the stain... Grace it's the name for a girl/ it's also a thought that could change the world. And when she goes to work you can hear the strings/ grace makes beauty out of ugly things."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4QvtXqNq0Y

5) Sigh No More by Mumford and Sons:
OK, you can't have a mercy playlist and not include these guys.  Many artists complain about the wrongs of society and the wrongs to them.  Few turn it around, take responsibility, and blame themselves -- in a way that's not whiny or self-indulgent, just honest.  Many of their songs could qualify, but I still think this one takes the cake.  "My heart was never pure/ I'm sorry." And that ever-quoted anthem of a chorus that somehow is still not a cliche after all these years: Love will not betray you dismay or enslave you/ it will set you free/ be more like the man you were made to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujv3c0TqLRk

"Love your enemies." -- Jesus
"An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind." -- Gandhi

Introducing... Daydream

Here is something I sent the followers on my email list awhile back when I released Daydream.  I thought I'd share it on my site (slightly edited).  Thanks for stopping by!

Dear friends,

Greetings from outer space, where I am still drifting, still hopeful, still a little clueless and naive, yet getting closer all the time...and meanwhile, enjoying (mostly) the ride.

I am pleased to announce the release of “Daydream,” a little five-song record that was mostly the fruit of this past Lent.  (I decided that doing something creative like a record beat giving up candy, etc).

I did all the recording and mixing myself on my very old school, decade-old Yamaha desktop DAW, in the ridiculous cavern of a great room at St John’s rectory.  It was a labor of love.  Some awesome and talented friends collaborated with me, notably, Bill Fox (drums), Amanda Ang (vocals and lyrics for ‘In The Basement’), Shea Acott (cello) and Anthony Co (lyrics for ‘Frightful Beauty’).

On my website, I have likened my music to “bread” – kneaded and baked from poor and simple ingredients of life, perhaps less gratifying as a candy bar or chips, but nourishing in its own unique way.  Well, this latest record is more like drinks from a bar.  I believe the tag line I used on Bandcamp was “musical cocktails, mixed and served by a priest, from the bar of life.”  It’s different from past releases in that it’s more alt-rock than alt-folk.  It’s so multi-tracked that my friend Adam likened it to a quiche (bet you haven’t seen that word in your email!)

As with past projects, the music is dense and intentional.  It arose from insights gained in the various fights in the “basement of the heart” (see attached poem by Amanda if you wonder what that means).  Things learned there are some of the most valuable things in life.  Like anything precious, it begs to be shared.  But so often it's incommunicable, or seems that way.  Song is the only language medium I personally have that can even come close to conveying it.  I always cherish the hope that others may find value and meaning in the songs, connect, and, perhaps, even find a little hope and consolation of their own amid the ups and downs of their own life’s journey.

I should have released the album months ago.  Perfectionism and inferiority complex - aaaaagggggghhhhhhh leave me alone.

After long experience, I have realized that with the art of song, HOW something is said is as important, if not more, than WHAT is said.  A good song is a magical mixture of a sonic “what” and “how” that somehow have the power to move someone’s heart.  I feel like my “what” often exceeds my “how,” if that makes any sense.  While I have made some strides as a singer, I regret to admit that I’ll probably never (sigh) be Chris Cornell or Justin Vernon.  But I sure do try.  I ask your indulgence, and thank you for understanding that “all that is gold does not glitter,” as Tolkien wrote.  There is some gold buried in these little songs – a conviction which has led me, finally, to get over myself and just put it out there, blemishes and all.

OK, I’ll just shut up now and let you check out the music, if you wish. 

Thanks and much love.  Many of you create art and try to make beautiful things to share with the world, which is cool and awesome. I bless you and wish you much victory and success. My friend Vince, a super talented artist, says that any time he makes a painting, it's his way of saying to the world, "I'm still here, you bastards."  While that may seem slightly harsh and offensive to some, to me it's amusing and consoling, and rings very true.  Thanks for your friendship, support, and the value and beauty each of you add to the world. And thanks for reading/listening!

Basement of the Heart

U of I Students Seek to Engage Faith and Culture Through Art

Amanda Ang reads her poem "Fight Club"

Shea Acott plays Allemande from Bach's 4th Cello Suite

On Sunday, April 7, a group of University of Illinois students shared a presentation at St John's Catholic Newman Center on "Enagaging Faith and Culture."  The group, called "Basement of the Heart," consists of student artists who meet weekly to:

• create intentional space for dialogue on the arts, faith, culture, and their inter-connection
• build friendships and community around these ideals
• encourage creation of their own works through respectful sharing and critique
• influence the culture through beautiful and meaningful artistic artifacts

Throughout the semester, the group met weekly.  We shared and discussed artifacts, engaged in discussion for clarification of thought, and read selections from Andy Crouch's "Culture Making: Rediscovering Our Creative Calling,"  which challenges Christians to do less critiquing, copying, and consuming, and more creating; we are, after all, created in the likeness of a God who is creator.  The lack of compelling cultural artifacts of a Christan spirit is largely our own fault, he says.  Crouch offers many helpful insights and ideas.

I serve as moderator of the group.  I began  the presentation by quoting from Pope John Paul II's 1999 "Letter to Artists" in which he stressed that the church needs art, and art needs the church; and that the world needs beauty in order not to sink into despair.  I also quoted Joseph Ratzinger who, prior to becoming pope, once said, "the only really effective apologia for Christianity comes down to two arguments, namely, the saints the church has produced and the art which has grown in her womb."

Shea Acott, a sophomore cello major, played a movement from Bach's 4th Cello Suite.  Amanda Ang, a sophomore in environmental economics, then read a poem inspired by the film "Fight Club:"

Fight Club

i desperately need to connect with someone

i need to break out of my

Cling-wrapped existence

the muffled sounds of Out There

striking numbly at my bones

i want a true connection

not just another conversation 

dripping with superficiality

not just another “How are you?” 

and “I’m doing well” 

but a “What do you mean? Do you wish me 

a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning 

whether I want it or not; or that you feel good

this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?” 

and “All of them at once” 

i want my life

to be infused with many Alleluia choruses

and Sonata “Pathetique”s 

i want my life to be 

a pebble that falls

not just a leaf, smooth-sailing

i want to take the punches for You

tonight, and always

You don’t have to go it alone

here, in the basement of my heart

i can no longer live with my Tyler Durden 

i must fight

i cannot be Marla Singer

i must live

the revolution is not Out There

the Mayhem is in the basement

the Mayhem started with me

We need to fight

to be alive

but not just fight, for fighting’s sake

but fight for our humanity

but fight to our very last breath

giving it all away

Amanda spoke briefly about the poem, explaining that these men in the film were  fighting for their lives and humanity amid a numb and alienating world of un-fulfilling work and relationships.  The "basement" is the hidden depths where, underground and invisible to society, we engage life intensely, fighting for meaning, purpose, and life itself.  She spoke of how the group latched on to the "basement of the heart" phrase as a title.

Next, Ruth Kenney, a sophomore performing vocal arts major, gave a summary of the group's activities, aims and ideals, elaborating on the four main themes while stressing that for believers, devotion, while very important, is not enough -- excellence in one's field/craft is a must if we hope to have any influence on the culture.

Adrienne Fair, a senior fine arts major specializing in metals, then gave a testimony of her experience as both a devoted Catholic and art major, and how she worked to reconcile these two identities amid a secular academic climate sometimes wary or hostile to religion.  She spoke on her thesis project, on display in the campus's "Link" Gallery, which she described as follows:

I have created a body of work that consists of four wearable objects and one non-wearable object. The objects are contemporary references to the spiritual Body of the Catholic Church. Each piece will reference the union between the physical body and the spiritual Body. The five objects are 1) a headpiece for God the Father 2) an instrument for Jesus Christ the Word made flesh, 3) a signet ring for the Holy Spirit, 4) a brooch worn over the heart for the Virgin Mary and 5) an armlet representing Mankind and the Physical Church on Earth. 

 

Adrienne led some participants on guided tour of her exhibit after the presentation.

Finally, Angel Diaz, a U of I grad from a few years ago, spoke of his initiative called "The Glass Darkly," a recently established quarterly arts magazine on themes of faith.  Angel currently lives in Chicago and was an English major specializing in poetry.  His friend, colleague, and fellow alum Bob Puschautz, an art major and painter, presented with him.  They spoke of the grassroots origins of their magazine, which began as conversations among like-minded friends.  They shared their desire to bring together people of similar interests and values to continue the conversation on art, faith and culture, and to encourage meaningful artistic creation from a faith perspective.  

 

The presentation closed with an invitation by Dana Byerwalter, a senior English major, to attend her upcoming reading of her short story, a winner selected  in the University's undergraduate creative writing contest.  

This was the first of what will hopefully be many public presentations by the group, which only began in January.  It's exciting and encouraging to see talented young people of faith coming together, seeking to impact the world by sharing their unique artistic voices in a compelling and well-honed way.  Shea, Amanda and I were on the Rome pilgrimage together a few week ago, where we prayed in Santa Maria Sopra Minerva at the tomb of the great pre-Renaissance master Blessed Fra Angelico, patron saint of artists.  We prayed for a deep artistic anointing for ourselves, "Basement of the Heart," and all artists.  I look forward to seeing the beautiful and unexpected ways this prayer gets answered.